where's the justice internet dating“Jacquie?”  I turned around on the bar stool and faced the man who had just called my name. His coat was blue. Not the pretty blue color of the sky or a freshly lain robin’s egg but an iridescent, unnatural, hurt-your-eyes bright cobalt blue. Perched on his head was a knit cap in the pattern of a checker board…black and white squares. It was pulled so low on his forehead, I wasn’t sure if he had hair. But I remember thinking… This is Florida for heaven’s sake and this is supposed to be a fifty-year-old man.

I don’t have a favorite type when it comes to men. Looks aren’t the most important thing to me… I’m more inclined towards nice. Because I think nice is underrated. I’m generally not one to judge a book by its cover, but holy man. This cover was painfully blinding.

No, he didn’t remotely look like the photo he posted on his dating profile. In that portrait he sported an open collared white shirt; wide blue eyes set in an open, friendly face; brownish hair long enough to curl a little at the ends yet look groomed.  His teeth were a little uneven in his picture, but I liked that slight imperfection. Flawless, I’ve learned, is hard to trust. He was a practicing attorney, the missive claimed, his specialty business law. I had forgiven him that…set aside the Shakespearean mantra “kill all the lawyers” in my new, more open state of mind. Who was I to be picky? This was my first internet date and I had reasoned myself into being unbiased.

“You look just like your picture,” he said. “Actually… prettier.”

It was impossible to say the same; the lie would have made me self-combust. I pictured myself as a ball of fire, perched on my bar stool. “Hmmm,” I replied. My lips felt glued together. I have a reasonable command of the language and a fairly large vocabulary but given all the words I know, I couldn’t muster one… not one measly word. Few things have ever rendered me mute.

I focused on what felt like a hairball in my throat, because I couldn’t look at that coat one more second. It made my eyes cross, as if they were stumbling over each other trying to look anywhere but directly at him. The vodka martini I’d been sipping was suddenly burning in my chest.

“So let me ask you,” he said. “If you could f**k any cartoon character, which one would it be?” This was his opener…he hadn’t even ordered a drink yet. So much for nice.

It felt like slow-mo as my eyes uncrossed, the hairball in my throat dissolved and reason settled over me like a cape. Every word I ever learned rushed into my brain… a cascade of prose tumbling, pushing on the back of my teeth, kicking the inside of my lips, begging to be set free in a torrential tirade. A bucket of words meant to dissolve the blue coat and checkerboard hat into a puddle before me, as surely as the pail of water melted the wicked witch of the west.

I eased off the bar stool; my red high-heels hit the floor and I started walking. The crowd parted, as if they knew my escape was urgent and they wanted to help.images

“It was a joke,” he called to my back.

And so it ended. My first internet date… and I spoke not one word. Nothing I could have said would save the world from this philistine. Yet, looking back, I wish I could have done something to save the planet from the sight of that coat.[subscribe2]


  1. That’s hilarious… but as you said above– Now! Got a few of the freshly-divorced-dating-in-my-40s stories in journals!

  2. Wow. Talk about clueless. This was a great way to salvage an unpleasant experience — blog about it. Hope he doesn’t show up in Clearwater either. I enjoyed your post.

    Also, so your other post about The Next Best Thing. Same questions. Bummer.

    • Haha!Personally I think there is a Mr. Blue Coat in every town in America! Hahaha! And sorry about the next best thing blog…bummer!

  3. I think you showed great restraint in not adding a nice “black and blue” to his face. Funny now, but bet it wasn’t then.

  4. My gosh I would hate to date again….but I do not have to. Here is my
    positive thought on “paying forward” I hope what goes around comes

  5. Jacqueline, isn’t the internet just another useful disguise for the crazies and others who delight in random acts of malice? What has happened to the dynamics of people’s friendship networks? You can’t confront your keyboard and ask it to justify persuading you to meet Mr Loopy for a drink. Are arranged marriages likely to enjoy a revivial to protect us from technology?

  6. That is too funny! I think you showed admirable restraint by keeping silent; but then, what could you have said to adequately express what you must have felt? One good thing: you can compare all future internet dates to this guy. Surely they’ll shine in comparison.

  7. We’re you on CreepsMingle.com again????

    In answer to his question, it would be Daphne from Scooby Doo. I always wanted to do her in the Mystery Machine van. LOL

    Is this a real story? Ever thought of trying to have a newspaper column?

  8. Oh, have been there and done that. You should see the types here in Las Vegas. Talk about a melting pot of people !!!!! Yup, I did however, fine someone who I could reasonably spend time with and we have been together about 7 years now……..hope is not lost…..just put yourself out there…..a few princes are still left……I think !

  9. You are a brave one to even attempt such an endeavor as internet dating, though I do know a few couples who hitched up after meeting online.
    Tweeted and promoted so others will be on the lookout for this alien and grotesque creature who dislikes women (dare I surmise that?).

    Thanks for RTweeting and sharing my latest Technorati articles.

    Ciao for now,

  10. My only hope is that he didn’t migrate to Tampa! There are plenty of frogs out there in our search for the prince. Great story! We should write a book!

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