Oh my…another political sex scandal. Am I the only one getting numb to these? I find myself yawning, even as I pass the wiener cooler in the grocery store. Who really cares about another self-absorbed, self-aggrandizing man who overestimated his power and thinks the thing in his lumpy underwear is “all that.”
More interesting to me, is Mrs. Weiner and what we all suppose she must be feeling. To be sure, she must be angry, embarrassed, appalled, hurt…too many emotions to separate and stuff into individual boxes. For now, they’re all lumped together like congealed oatmeal. It’s impossible to ferret out each oat…unbearable to swallow in one gulp.
But if she’s like most of us…I had a terrible husband and didn’t know it… women, the biggest specter of all is the…OMG! How could I be so dumb! It’s the tumor that’s takes up the biggest compartment of the brain. It’s knowing that the pity behind those kind eyes, hides an unspoken, how could she NOT know. Averted eyes scream tsk, tsk, tsk.
During my divorce from my terrible husband, I remember my stomach rolling, and my lips stretched tight against my teeth lest I bawl out, “But I didn’t know….you can’t blame me!”
They don’t know that the compliments hurt as much as the barbs. “She’s a woman in her own right…she’ll be fine.” If I was, I should have known better. “She’s brilliant.” Uhhhh…really? “Maybe she was in it for the power of his position, or the money?” Go fuck yourself.
So which will she be?
1. The Hillary Clinton… I know he’s a fool but I’m smarter than him. I’ll make sure he pays for it.
2. The Silva Spitzer…I don’t know what to do so I guess I’ll stand here at this press conference and hope they forget someday.
3. The Jenny Sanford…screw him, I’m outta here.
But if I could talk to Mrs. Weiner, I would tell her. Go find the pieces of yourself that you gave to him and take them all back. Make yourself whole again, and get right with you. Sure it’s a bit like a puzzle that violently spilled on a hard floor. There may be a few fractured bits, some corners curled from contempt and some of the pieces won’t fit exactly as they used to. But they’ll fit nonetheless. The picture won’t ever be exactly the same, but the beauty won’t suffer too greatly from the patina. Just be certain it’s mostly the picture you started. Your picture.
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Thank you for this Jacq. We hear these stories all the time, and we’re tempted to say – well shit happens and it’s inevitable, or worse – everyone cheats. That’s bullshit. There are terrible people. They are often confused and misguided too.
I’ve given alot of thought to the whole fidelity and want to share some thoughts about “Why didn’t I know, and why was I fool.” I wish it could be avoided, but we are animals. Some of us more “cavemen” than the other. Anyway…you stirred up a bunch of stuff for me! And I love you for it!
It’s easier to lie to someone you know vs. a stranger because the liar knows what you’re expecting to hear or see and they can manipulate you. Worse though are men and women afraid to simply say truth – I’m a greedy fuck and I want our marriage and I want this new “someone” too. Instead they change the rules without telling you – expecting you to “guess” or hope they can get away with it.
I challenge any married person to simply try this exercise. It’s developed by me, a coward and a Girl Scout 1) Pretend you’ve fallen in love with someone – and pretend you must tell your partner/spouse about it. Find the words now and practice saying it. Imagine their face and what it will mean to your marriage. Imagine how it will feel not to see their face lying on the pillow next to you every day of your life. 2) Make a promise to your spouse right now. Literally, say this “If I am ever tempted to be unfaithful to you – I promise to tell you before it happens.”
If you are an honest person, with integrity – you owe it to yourself and your partner – to inform them of your plan before you proceed. I don’t dismiss that it will be a heartbreaking experience. But you can lessen the guilt and perhaps even “stop an infidelity” if you imagine the consequences of your action in advance.
I didn’t marry until I was 33 because I always had an issue with “marriage and monogamy”. When I married, I told my husband that I would never cheat on him, and if I was ever tempted, I would tell him first. I remained faithful to my promise and my husband. 14 years into my marriage I found myself in a compromising situation with another man. I kept my promise. I told my husband first. “I’ve met someone else.” It opened a conversation for us. I told him the rules had changed.
Eventually, I went forth with the new relationship with the other man. My husband and I untwined from our relationship – lived together for another year while we sorted out our feelings. We divorced during our 15 year of marriage and remain faithful friends today. It was a terrible situation – but I was never a terrible wife.
I was one of those “stupid” women too. Because I played by all the rules and became the selfless dutiful wife I believed he would honor his commitment too. The affair was right there all along under my nose and I chose to look the other way hoping the blinders would make block it from my life.
But when the dust settled, the one thing I vowed I would get back was me! No longer would he have any power over how I felt, thought, or spent. What a emerged was the amazing butterfly with wings large and wide as I gracefully flew into and over so many new facets of my life that had been squelched for 25 years.
I miss being married. I miss the sense of security. I miss the dream that was broken, but security can be re-established and dreams rebuilt. And marriage? That remains to be seen, but what I’ve discovered is I don’t need a man to make me happy. That I’ve been able to do all on my own and what a gift.
Great article, Jacquie!!